


the thing about broken hearts

by cresswell



Category: Pretty Little Liars
Genre: Anxiety, Awkwardness, F/M, Friendship/Love, Martial Arts, Secret Crush, Unrequited Love, basically all about Holden
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-16
Updated: 2013-08-16
Packaged: 2017-12-23 15:28:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/928118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cresswell/pseuds/cresswell
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>he's just an anxiety-ridden teenage boy with a literal broken heart, and nobody likes those.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the thing about broken hearts

**Author's Note:**

> hi! so i felt the need to write a story pretty much all about holden, because there aren't any on here that even mention him. also be aware that it's a slight AU where holden doesn't go to rosewood until later, and ezra and aria probably break up sometime before the end. holden also has an anxiety disorder, at least at the beginning, and i don't think that's canonical.
> 
> without further ado, i hope you enjoy. :)

"This isn't goodbye."

Those were the last words Holden had heard from Aria before they both left the country. They hadn't seen each other in years, obviously, so it was a little strange when they ran into each other at the brew. Aria was all Ali-fied, and Holden was just Holden.

"Aria," he had blurted when he saw her, and he didn't realize he had said it out loud until she was whirling around and grinning at him. "Um, hi."

"Holden! Hi!" She was warm and kind, stepping out of her place in line to walk over and pull him into a hug. She was still a lot smaller than he was, fragile and delicate and yet she squeezed him around the waist hard enough it hurt his ribs a little. She laughed when she stepped back, almost like she couldn't quite believe he was there in front of her, and gave him another beautiful smile. "I haven't seen you in forever! What've you been up to?"

He had shrugged, almost uncomfortable in her presence, hands shoved deep in his pockets. "Just, you know. School. And stuff."

"You're not at Rosewood," Aria said, a frown curving over her pretty lips. "Why's that?"

"Um, just." He looked away, aware that his face was probably on fire by then. "Just. The bullying, and. So. Yeah."

Something on her face changed and for a moment Holden was afraid that she had been pitying him, and honestly, that was the last thing he wanted; but in a moment she was giving his shoulder a gentle shove. "I know you. You're stronger than that."

He didn't say anything for fear of fucking up whatever had been going on, but it was okay because then Aria's phone had gone off. She read the screen, rolling her eyes and inching her way back into the line.

"It's my mom," she had said in answer to his curious face, scowling at her feet. "I'm only here to get her and my dad coffee and shit for the drive to the airport, so."

"Oh?" Holden said, eyebrows making their way up his forehead. "Where are you off to?"

"Iceland, for a year," Aria had said, sounding unhappy. "My dad got a sort of job thing there, and we've had some family shit, and now with Ali..."

She had trailed off then, glancing at him with wide eyes before stepping forward with the line. He trailed a little ways behind her, saying a beat too late "tomorrow I leave for Portugal," as if it was supposed to make her feel better.

It had seemed to work, though, her eyes lighting up with interest and curiosity. "That's so cool! Way cooler than here, or even Iceland."

Holden had shrugged in a sort of bashful way, kicking at a bump in the ground. "Well, I don't know. I won't know anyone, and. So that will suck."

The person standing behind Aria in line had made a dramatic sigh then, and both Aria and Holden had realized she was next in line. She had smiled a little sadly at him, leaning over to give him another squeezing hug. "Well, I guess that's my cue." She pushed his fringe out of his eyes before stepping away and up to the counter. "This isn't goodbye."

•

It isn't until Holden gets settled in Portugal that he takes up martial arts. His father's boss' daughter is Lidia, and she's a few years older than Holden, maybe, and the type that takes pity on anxiety-ridden teenage boys with literal broken hearts.

It all starts when his family goes to her family's house for a traditional Portuguese dinner (the first of many, as it turns out) and she takes him upstairs to show him her room. And there's a punching bag, and, whoa, this girl is even more intense than Aria. And the thought of Aria brings a pang in his chest, along with the pang he was born with, and Lidia must see something change on his face because she frowns. "Something wrong?"

He shakes his head but she seems to be the no-bullshit kind of girl, and in just a few moments she's pushed her gloves into his hands. "Um?"

"Well, go on," she says, nodding her head towards the punching bag like he's some sort of idiot. She rolls her eyes at his terrified face and shakes her head. "I won't tell you parents, if that's what you're worried about." She watches his face carefully, one hand on her hip, and raises her eyebrows. "What's her name?"

"Um, what?"

"The girl, idiot," Lidia says, but there's no bite to it.

"Um." Holden scratches the back of his neck. "Aria. But it's not really important-"

"Nonsense! Of course it is." Lidia claps her hands together excitedly, scurrying around to hold the bag in place. "Okay, now put on the gloves and just punch."

"What?" Holden splutters, dropping the gloves on the ground like they're on fire. "But I don't want to think about Aria while I'm hitting a bag-"

"Think about the assholes that bullied you, then," Lidia says, sounding like she's losing patience fast.

Holden drops his head, hiding his wide eyes, and pauses to slow his heart rate. "How did you-"

"I heard our parents talking," she says, waving her hand like it's not important. "But whatever, it's not even the point. The point is that this is how you blow off steam, and if they ever give you shit again, you beat their asses up." She tilts her head, smiling slightly. "They won't see it coming."

•

Holden returns to Rosewood with unfamiliar confidence and money he's been secretly saving for real martial arts classes. Not that Lidia wasn't a good teacher, but. Well. Things got a little complicated there towards the end.

Despite the confidence, when he sees Aria for the first time since flying back he can't quite stop his breath from hitching. Their parents stop and talk about the good ol' days while Aria and Holden exchange hidden smiles, bright on Aria's end and shy on Holden's.

When their arrangement starts, Holden ignores the fact that Aria's using him to see another guy and throws himself into his martial arts. His instructors and competitors have no clue about his heart, about how one day it will shatter, and that's the way he wants it. He's tough now, not quite the same broken boy he used to be, and he's still getting used to it.

"So, when'll you be coming back to Rosewood?" Aria's sitting in the booth across from him, sipping at her straw prettily. The arcade is loud and hectic, and it almost feels like a date- although Holden's not dumb enough to pretend it is- and if it were a date, it would be Holden's first.

"Um, never?" Holden responds, snorting into his sleeve. "If I never went back there it would be too soon."

Aria's looking at him with that soft sad face and Holden looks down, waiting for the lecture. "Holden, you're different now. Noel Kahn and his minions won't screw with you anymore."

Holden just shakes his head. "My parents have been trying to enroll me, but I just don't want to go back."

"Not even for me?" When Holden looks up Aria's got this hopeful smile on her face and he'd quite like to lean across the table and kiss it off. "If you come back, I swear to you things will be better."

He plays with the edge of the paper in his basket of fries, looking down to hide his flush. "I'll think about it."

•

Soon enough she knows about his heart, and there's one night where they're watching one of her black and white movies in her room when she presses her small hand over his chest.

He swears he stops breathing for a moment, a warmth spreading through him, and he watches her face as she looks at him. She pulls her lip between her teeth, her fingers twisting in his shirt slightly.

"It doesn't feel broken to me," she says, voice very soft.

Holden wants to kiss her that night. But he doesn't.

•

There's a time when they don't talk. Not because of a fight, or anything, but because she doesn't need him as a cover anymore. By then he's moved to Rosewood, and on his first day he packs extra anxiety meds and his gloves. But Noel Kahn barely even glances at him.

There's three other girls all exactly like Aria but also polar opposites. The only one he knows off the bat is Spencer, because everyone knows Spencer, because of Melissa and also because she's a genius and wins practically every non-athletic competition in Rosewood.

But soon enough he's walking home from a Kahn party feeling sorry for himself one night when he sees the tall tanned one wandering around. She's obviously drunk, giggling at herself and mumbling names under her breath.

"Um, you're Aria's friend, right?" is what he says when he approaches her, because he doesn't want to come off as creepy or weird. Even though she probably wouldn't remember anyway.

The girl looks up and slings her arm around his neck, and just like that he's got a drunk girl clinging to him. "Yeah, yeah, I'm Emily," she says, breath too hot against his ear. "You can call me Em, though. Any friend of Aria's is a friend of mine."

"Um, that's nice," Holden says, stumbling a bit at their combined weight. "Emily, is there somewhere I can take you? Like your house, or something?"

She starts shaking her head violently, dark hair flying. "Nope nope nope. I can't go home like this. I'm too hungry," she adds, dragging out the end.

Holden frowns, watching as she points an unsteady finger at the diner they're passing. "Look! Food! Let's go!"

"Emily, I don't think-" But it's useless, because she's already off and running towards the entrance. And he follows because damn him but he'd do anything for Aria, including taking care of her friend's drunken ass.

She orders a milkshake. Holden buys it and halfway through slurping it down she moans about feeling nauseous, getting up at one point to scurry to the bathroom. He calls Aria a few times, but it goes straight to voicemail.

He loses her when a girl he doesn't recognize pulls up alongside the sidewalk they're stumbling down, all shiny red car and too-big sunshades (at night. Which is weird.) "Emily!" She calls, giggling and waving her hand in the air. "I thought that was you. Let me give you a lift!"

Holden's positive it's not one of the girls from Aria's group- it's not Aria or Spencer and it's definitely not the blonde one. But Emily eagerly trips over and practically falls into the backseat, laughing almost hysterically. "Um, Emily, are you sure this is a good-"

"Listen, sweetheart. It'd look a little suspicious for her to be walking around on your arm at this time of the night, wouldn't it?" The girl snaps, giving him a smirk before slowly starting her way down the street. "Thanks for bringing her this far, though."

So all in all it's weird. But Holden's had weirder nights so he doesn't think much of it.

Aria does though, apparently, because almost a week later she's pulling him away from his locker in the middle of second period, tugging him with a vice-like grip on his wrist out the door. "Aria! What the hell?"

She throws his arm down, and shit, this isn't regular angry Aria, this is pissed the fuck off Aria, and Holden actually takes a few steps back in fear. "Why were you with Emily that night, Holden? What the hell were you doing? Did you leave her at the graveyard? Did you- did-"

"The graveyard? What?" He's got his hands up in front of him in surrender, even though technically he didn't do anything wrong. At least he doesn't think he did. "What are you talking about?"

She shoves him, and it's not a playful one. "Drop the act! I know you were with her that night! She remembers!"

"Yes, I was with her! I was walking home from a party and she was just, like, drifting, and I recognized her from your lunch table so I went to see if she needed help." Aria's shooting daggers at him and it freaks him out, to be honest, so he speeds his words up. "She said she was hungry so she went into a diner and I bought her a milkshake and she got sick and we were leaving and she got in the car with some girl and that was it."

Uncertainty flickers across Aria's face. "What girl?"

He shakes his head. "I don't know her. She had a red car. Big sunglasses."

"Sunglasses at night?"

Holden nods. "Sunglasses at night."

Aria figures out who it is, then. Holden knows her well enough to be able to read it on her face. She covers it up with a scowl, spinning on her heel to stalk away from him. "Aria! Wait!" He sets his hand on her shoulder and she jerks away, her back hitting against the door, causing her to cry out in pain. "Aria-"

"Don't touch me!" She snaps, eyes wide and afraid. "Did you- that night, something happened, and I need to know if you..." She trails off, eyes brimming with tears now, and it makes Holden's heart hurt.

"Aria. What is it?"

She shakes her head, squeezing her eyes shut. "I can't tell you. Because if I tell you and you did it, it'll kill me, and if I tell you and you didn't do it, you'll end up getting killed."

"Aria, what are you-" She lets him move the hair from off her face, and he leans close to her, keeping his voice gentle. "Tell me."

"There are people," she says, voice breaking, "that want things from me and my friends. They want us to be framed for things, and they want us to be afraid. It's sick, really- they make us get what we want in the worst ways." She pauses to wipe delicately at the tears on her cheeks, sniffling. "We can't tell anyone. If we do, we got punished, or someone we know does." She shakes her head, face screwing up again. "I can't be telling you these things, Holden, you'll just get hurt."

"I don't care," He says before he can stop himself, and she looks up at him, having gone very still. "I honest to god don't."

"What do you mean?"

He runs his hands through his hair and ignores the way his heartbeat speeds up, throwing caution to the wind. "I'd do anything for you, honestly. It's so dumb, because it's so dumb to get that attached to someone, but I am. To you. I thought I'd left it behind when I went to Portugal, and for a while maybe I did." It's his turn to look away, thinking about Lidia.

"There was this girl, see. And she was everything you aren't, which is probably why I picked her. We were friends, at first, but then... we were friends plus a few things. And at the end of the summer she told me that she was in love with me, and I didn't say anything back." He shrugs, unable to look at Aria's face. "She knew I was in love with you. She knew I always had been and that I still was." He tilts his face up towards the sky, searching for new things to stare at that aren't Aria. "I still am. And so if you're asking me if I'm one of the people that hurt you, the answer is no."

Finally he looks at her. She's got her eyes wide, her mouth a little agape, and he swallows and pushes the nervousness down. "I couldn't hurt you if I tried. I couldn't ever be one of those people." He holds her gaze, makes sure she's listening to him. "But I swear to god I won't let them hurt you again."

She's quiet for a long moment before she says "you can't promise that, Holden. You need to pretend you don't know anything about those people."

He gets angry, hands curling into fists at his sides. "What? That's insane. I'm going to keep you safe, I have to."

"No," Aria interrupts, voice soft. She's smiling- it's barely there, but he sees it. "You need to pretend you don't know anything and keep yourself safe." She bites her lip, twisting her hands together before looking up at him again. "Because I'm in love with you, too, and losing you would kill me."

His breath hitches again, and the first thing he can think of to say is "you won't lose me," but it's muffled by her lips pressing over his.

It's warm and soft and sweet and it's Aria and they can't get enough of each other and Holden can't believe it. He's been waiting for it for years and now that it's happening he has to catch up from his shock- his hands moving from his sides to her back, pressing her forward into him. She sucks his bottom lip into her mouth, and it's incredibly sexy but at the same time the kiss is so very soft and so very gentle, Aria pressed close against him.

"It's not broken, you know," Aria says once they've pulled apart, her back pressed up against the wall, Holden's hands bracketing her hips. She must see the look of confusion on his face because she tilts her head back and laughs, not unkindly. "Your heart. People get broken hearts when the person they love doesn't love them back." She smiles again, much softer, and pulls her fingers through his hair. "So no matter what the doctors say, you don't have a broken heart." She presses her lips to his ear, sending a shiver down his spine. "You never will."


End file.
